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Saturday, February 14 v-day

Ana and I spent valentines day together, it was great. So great I wrote a poem about it, probably not a very good one but in the end that doesn't matter. It doesn't have to be good, but as long as the emotion behind it is expressed that is what matters. I like Ana as much as you can like someone, I feel like I'm falling for her. I'm scared though because I don't want to get heart broken. Sarah totally fucked my emotions and heart up sadly enough. As afraid as I am to be heart broken again I'm feeling better everyday, fear is just a feeling, a feeling that is being over whelmed by the amazing look Ana gives me, a look I've never felt before. She has a look that pierces my soul with those beautiful brown eyes of hers. Sarah and I were good together because we had so much in common and we were very alike, Ana and I are doing great because we have a lot of differences that bind us. I wake up now and Sarah is gone, my soul feels light and my heart feels healthy. I was getting over Sarah slowly but surely, I was realizing that all the shit she was giving me was not worth it, but I'm stubborn and I kept trying, but sometimes giving up is for the best. Ana is something totally different. Now don't think I'm falling for Ana just because she's the first girl I've been with since Sarah, cause she's not. I had a bit of a fling with a good friend of mine named Danielle. Her and I made out once when we were hanging out. Then we did again a week later or so. And it was cool because she's great, and I could have been her boyfriend if I persued it, but her and I didn't fit. It was cool but I didn't feel a strong connection. And other girls I meet annoy me, bug me, disturb me, confuse me in the bad way, and I just don't want to have anything to do with them. But Ana is so different and special, I hope I don't fuck up that's all I know. If it does't last long I'd survive, but I want it to last as long as possible because she's a memory I want to make more with. This journal is about closure and telling you all thanks for being there for me. I wrote this journal for myself because it feels great to say these words, because they're so true and so refreshing. Oneday a girl is going to marry me, hopefully she can handle the job, and I'll have to ask myself what Kyle makes me ask him everytime he's the manager "did you do something stupid today?"

Monday, February 9

This has been a great/long/stressed/relieving weekend. I went to Ventura on Friday-Sat, went to a wild college party, drank some beer and partied, pretty cool I guess. And on Sunday I had a date with a wonderful girl named Ana. Sunday her and I went and saw Lost in Translation, hung out a lot, hung out with my friends a lil', and we talked at Ruby's and learned stuff about each other while having a Cherry and Vanilla coke. The high point of the evening is when we went up the mountain, got out of the car, and just looked at all the lights of the city and gazed up at the stars. The moon was big and bright and we could see all of Palm Springs and most of the other desert cities. It was cold so we got close to one another and we held each other while just talking and looking around at the splendor of the night. In the heat of the moment we started kissing and went into the back seat of my car and just cuddled and held each other, kissing softly every once in a while but for the most part connecting with one another. So now her and I are b/f and g/f and it's so different and so great. It's not like the relationship I had before because this girl is just so much, hate to be repetitive, but different. I don't know what to expect out of this relationship but I welcome the surprise and breath of fresh air. I was thinking of something I told Harmony once, "I told her no matter how awful the event may be, things always happen for a reason." And I wish I wasn't so right when I said that. Recently I found out my friends' fiancee is cheating on him while he's in North Carolina. A very fucked up situation. So I went to the school oneday because I wanted to find out about what's going on. And while I was there I met Ana, I knew her before but never really talked to her that much. And I asked her for her number, asked her out, and now things are great. I just wish I could have gotten her number without the situation of my friend being cheated on by his cruel fiancee happening. So as you can see every thing does happen for a reason, even the terrible things. It was very odd yesterday, Ana ended up meeting everybody who means anything to me in my life yesterday. She met Carlos, Adrian, Cristobal, who are my best friends. We saw a movie at the courtyard so she met my fellow employees there. We stopped at Blockbuster so she met my friends there. She met my mother, brother, and sister n' law. It's crazy, they all love her and think she's a sweet girl. Harmony really really liked her, a lot more then Sarah she said so that was interesting. People ended up hating Sarah because of the way she acted towards me and her demeanor I guess you can say. But Ana is different. She seems too good to be true, I'm waiting for something wrong to happen because things are going way to well, it's unbelievable how wonderful things are all of a sudden. I feel like I'm finally getting over Sarah, I have been slowly but surely and I just did a whole lot more. The chapter of Sarah is closing and a new chapter is opening, I really hope it involves Ana and if it doesn't then I'll be fine...everything will always be fine.

Tuesday, February 3

It's been a long time since I had a journal but fuck it, I don't have much to say. And I have some stuff I wish I could say but I can't tell some people because of whatever reasons.

Tuesday, January 6

I woke up and jumped on the computer. Dave and I are going to watch movies and hang out before we go to our work places called Blockbuster! Last night was very interesting and it was another bold step for me. Carlos and Gboy stopped by my work, then after work I picked up Dave, so we were all in my car taking my manager Harmony home. Well we went to Del Taco to get something to eat, and the girl taking our orders was very nice and pretty cute so I was trying to make small talk before Harmony freaked out at me, but that's okay. So after we dropped Harm off we went back to Del Taco because I made my mission be to get her number. So luck would have it she was outside when we pulled up so I got out of the car with a pocket full of charm and talked to her. And yeah I was bloody nervous and probably seemed a lil bit weird but that's okay. And after talking to her I went back to the car with only her name, which is oddly enough Harmony. Well Carlos and G being the good friends they are got out of the car and got her number for me!!!!! Carlos told her some stuff about me wanting to get to know her etc and then bam there the number for me was. So I'm propbably going to give her a call tomorrow after five, why not? Hopefully I can do something without the help of my friends! So I gave a phone number, got a phonenumber, what's next? I'm not sure if I want to meet and talk to these other women, but Adriana and Richard thinks it'll be good for me, and hey it is fun going through the process. Dave tried to spoon with me, what a closet homosexual!

Saturday night January 3rd

(I wrote this journal in my LA hotel lobby while I was there this weekend dropping Richard off at LAX. I wrote it on paper and now I'm putting it on my site to let you all see. I call this entry Substitution.)

It is not often that my own feelings confuse me, but it is often I am pained by them. I feel alone and defeated again, though I'm not. I am writing this at the hotel I'm staying at until my friend Richard leaves. Time has passed since I wrote in my journal last. The friendship I have with Sarah is only friendship because she is confused about me and does not realize I would/will not only become better for her, but mostly myself. She has no faith in me, but I have it in myself! Tonight I feel defeated by love, by bills, and now tonight I have to watch as one of my rocks leave me for a long time, my strongest most influential friend. Richard helps me so much, and because of him I will be able to handle things on my own. I spent today with my old friend Heather, and I hated every min of it. Heather and I have grown too far apart and now we dislike each other almost. But we will always love each other. I am also scared Adriana will not want to be my friend like she is now once Richard leaves, but that is a stupid thought that I know better about. Money problems, heart and soul problems, all I push aside for now because it does me no good worrying about it. My heavy heart needs a rest. What thought will I put in my head to replace my problematic ones. I can't think of nothing! My thoughts, my happy place, revolves around a girl named Jessica, a beautiful stranger. She was our waitress at Islands in LA. When I first saw her I though and said "damn that girl is fine". Beautiful almond skin, dark straight hair, wonderful body, cute as cute and talked soft and gentle but she still had strength to her voice. She was African American but light skinned. Something bout her I liked, and at the encouragement of Rich and Adri I attempted to "flirt" and "woo" her. At the end of dinner at the request of my friend I left my number and a note that said "incase you're not told enough by strange men, you are beyond beautiful". And the note was balanced on her tip money which was in the shape of a heart, big time over kill. It doesn't really matter if she calls me or not, at least I tried. I will spend my time dreaming about her because she is the only non stressful thought I have. Maybe it's because I don't know her but I do know I'd like to. The friends-bills-girl I love, they are to much to think about at the moment, so Jessica my beautiful stranger I think about you. Sweet dreams Jessica.

Suplemental:

Thursday, December 25 8:07 pm

Well this has been the worst day I've had in a long time. I didn't really get anything for Christmas at all, which is sucky but oh well. And the one person who actually makes me happy, brings peace to my soul only has friendship for me. I do not want to be trapped in the friend zone but I do not want to lose her friendship. I want to have her back and treat her like I should have before and make her happy, I want to kiss her neck and rest my head in her lap. I built up my hopes with the idea that maybe she likes me as more and tonight I was shot down, she only likes me as a friend. I don't mind that she doesn't have feelings for me yet, I just want the chance to take her out and maybe make some. My mom for whatever reason decided to tell me a news story about how some guy was killed just last week. Gosh what a thing to tell me on a crappy day already. It's sad that this mans future and possiblities are gone forever. Now I'm afraid that some unfortunite thing will happen to me, I have a bad feeling already. I don't want to die, I want to live life and win back Sarah's heart. I have such terrible luck, next week I'll be ran over and only then would Sarah realize that I would have been a great boyfriend...grrrr damn fucking poetic justice. It's Christmas and I'm talking about getting ran over and Sarah loving me once I'm gone, what a dork am I? But we do only realize the good things we have only when they're gone, so let's hope I don't get ran over or murdered next week. Writing in this journal makes me feel so much better strangely. But if I get ran over or killed next week I will be so PISSED! It'd be ironic and a sick joke, but let's all hope God has a better sense of humor then that. I sound really morbid in this journal, so sad. But I'm actually a lot more cheerful from when I began in this journal. And hey if Sarah doesn't ever have feelings for me again then it's sadly her lost. She's a great girl and will find another great guy but stitisticly she will go through a lot of assholes first. I'm not saying I'm a God among men or anything, but how many guys are willing to go into store after store and buy care bear items without embarrassment? And how many guys will hunt out the care bear movie and fill the stuffed animal claw machine with money until he gets what the girl wants. Not a lot that's for damn sure! So I'm not being concieted but I'm having self esteem when I say I'm a good guy and a good possible boyfriend now in my life, so ladies look out!!!! I'm almost out of breath saying all this!!!!!!!! I'm going to go get in shape and work out now. Thank you everyone goodnight!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, December 25 3:00 am

Merry Christmas world. God I can't get Sarah out of my mind. What is it about her that makes me fall so hard. She's so precious and perfect to me. She totally has me won, it's hard to "play it cool" because she's so fucking cool!!! I'm so happy because I have a chance to show her that I love her and that I'm good for her, which I am. All I can think of now are songs for her. "Where you are is where I belong, I do know where you go is where I want to be"

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

It's been a while since I've written but hey ilfe has been going on, what can I say? Things with me and Sarah are going so well I'm almost afraid to talk about it because I might jinx us. I don't know why she is able to make me smile and more happy then anyone else. There's just something about her that no other girl has, and I've met a lot of girls. People tell me I can do better and that I should move on but how/why would I move on when I feel at home whenver I'm with her. I can kiss another girl or wrap myself around them but it won't feel as good as looking into Sarahs eyes. I love joking with her and talking online...hell theres not a lot that I don't like. I just want to oneday be able to wrap myself around her and just hold her and talk about the world. Sometimes I accidently get too close and she backs off because it makes her feel uncomfortable, but it's just my nature to want to be up close and personal when I talk to someone. Sarah is so sweet though, I don't know how anyone could not like her. I love shopping for her because I can picture the big smile she'll get on her face. If I'm ever so lucky as to be able to kiss her again then that will make my year for 2004. I feel like I have my best friend again and I don't want to ever lose her friendship. I love the holidays, I can't wait to give people the presents I bought them, it feels good to give as much as it does to recieve this time of the year. "LOVE ACTUALLY exists". It's great hanging out with Richard, even if he does tend to be snappy at times. I wish Richard and Carlos liked each other, it sucks having your two best friends not like each other. Adriana was the object of Carlos' desire so Rich is pissed about that still. And Carlos dislikes her now because of how she toyed with his heart in his opinion. Why so much drama???? I just want happy days with the ones I love. The world be dramatic but let our circle of friends be stress free. Happy Holidays everyone, you all hold a special place in my heart, either that or I hate you!!!!!!!!! j/k. Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukah

Thursday, December 11, 2003, 1:57 am[

Okay I don' really have anything specific to talk about because nothing major has been happening but I'll just talk from the top of my head. I see so many people have trust problems and I fear I'm too much of the opposite. I trust people more then I should and I open myself up to being hurt over and over again. Maybe it's because I'm brainwashed into thinking if you're open and good to people they will be the same but with some people that doesn't seem to be the case. I love trusting people though because I don't want to live in fear of people and in distrust of the world, too much negative energy there. I'm trying to be positive and that's my goal. A customer came into Blockbuster the other night, she was renting some action movies one of which was Robbin Hood...well I jokingly said "you're going to have an action packed night" well I noticed she was tearful and looked very down and she told me that her boyfriend had just broken up with her, so I grabbed Robbin Hood Men in Tights for her off the shelf and gave it to her for free because she needed a cheer up. I hate seeing people sad and if I can do anything at all no matter how small the gesture may be I'll totally do it because if you have the power to make someone smile you should use it. Sometimes we're sad because of the world but for the most part we get sad because we won't let ourselves be happy. WELL WORLD LET'S WAKE UP AND SNAP OUT OF THAT, IT'S TIME FOR US ALL TO REALIZE THAT LIFE CAN BE GREAT. Remember everyone: the sweet would never be so sweet without the bitter to make us appreciate it.

Saturday, December 6, 2003

The sweet is never so sweet without the sour

Wednesday, December 3, 2003 1:00 AM

Some shit is totally fucking with my head. I'm like totally scared to the point of being petrified about things. I don't have any idea what Sarah really thinks about me, she feels like a closed book of late. She just doesn't let me in and I feel pushed away. But I'm not giving up at all, I just need to show her that I'm worth letting into her world. Carlos and Harmony are like my best friends, they have been with me through a lot of stuff and I'd feel totally lost without them. I'm giving Harmony a ride to work tomorrow because she hurt her leg, I don't mind giving her rides (even if she does live in butt-fuck-DHS), it's good to help out your friends. I'm too much of a nice guy about some things and some things I probably should be nicer about. When it comes to my car I always give people rides and stuff, and I always lend my phone to people, I'm generous with my stuff you can say. But there are some things I should be nicer about, but hey I just need to slowly improve. Tonight was an exciting night at work, I sold 20 copies of Pirates of the Caribbean, which is a lot!!!!! I plan on out selling all my employees because I want to establish my value and my worth because I know I am very good so I constantly find ways to prove it. I just wish there was a way I could prove my worth with love (with Sarah), but theres no way I can really think of to prove my worth...I just need to go with the flow and hope that Sarah will see the great person who awaits her and I say great person because that what's people tell me I am and I'm not the devil I once was so I can agree. I listend to the New Radicals with Harmony in the car today a lot, gosh it's been a while since I've heard them, they were my favorite band in middle school. The New Radicals makes me think of my young past, of more peaceful easy times but maybe not better. I'll be sure to add some New Radical lyris in my quotes page while I'm thinking about it. I have many great friends that I don't get to talk to very often and it's kind of sad. My mom told me once that she has always been bad with friends, she gets too involved in life and other things that she loses contact...I don't want to be like that. I don't want to lose contact with Jeana, Alaundra, Valerie, Sebastien, Adriana, Melissa, and Adrian and Cristobal...I say these certain names because these are the people I don't often talk to because of whatever reasons. I just get caught up in work and on my days off I just hang out with the usual people or I don't call these people often enough. It's sad but I'm going to make sure I stay a good friend and not lose contact. For now it's bed.

Monday, December 1, 2003, 1:17 pm

Last night I picked up Sarah and we spent the day together with Carlos and Sarah's friend Polley. I had a very great time. Seeing her again made my heart swell, everytime I looked at her I wanted to hug her and hold her but it's too soon to do that so I must contain myself. She looked beyond beautiful last night in her black pants and white blouse, gosh she looks more beautiful then I remember even. It was fun to hang out with her and see her laugh and be joyful, and she did do a lot of laughing. And in a couple hours I get to see her again and I'm bringing her a pie because on our first date I brought her one so it's a bit of symbolism for we're starting over. I love Sarah even more and will do whatever it takes to earn back her love, she's more then worth all the pain I've been through and all the struggling I've had to do with myself. Now I'm off to get ready for my Rapunzel in hopes she will let her hair down for me.

Saturday, November 29, 2003, 12:53 pm

The only real thing I have to say in this journal is that I'm really happy, I've been establishing a good relationship with Sarah again and tomorrow I get to see her. I'm very excited about tomorrow but at the same time beyond nervous. I've wanted to see her again so long and now tomorrow I will get to, and I'm afraid she won't like who I am. But I'm going to be positive and hope for the best. I just know I would make her happy if she gave me another chance, I've had months to improve myself and fix the things that made me mess up before. She is worth everything I've gone through, and I'm glad things happened the way they did in a way, I'm a better person for it. All we have to do is let the past rest and concentrate on a future. I want to wake up on Christmas day, go to my brothers house, and sit by the Christmas tree with Sarah by my side while we hold each other close and sip hot coco, if Santa can deliver that then I'll be a believer. Whatever happens happens. "A friend is always good to have, but an angels kiss is better then angels raining down on me".

Friday, November 28, 2003, 2:08am

Well Thanks Giving is over, but it was good. I didn't stuff myself as I usually do ever year but I had fun none the less. I ate dinner at my brothers house with my family which is usual and I had a pretty good time. Then after that I went to Daves house and brought him and pie and hung out. Then I went to Carlos' home and bothered him, he was sick today so he prob needed the company. The best part of my day was I talked to Sarah for most of it either on the phone, on the computer, or through text messages. We have gotten back in touch and are pretty good friends again. I don't know if I can ever win back her love even though that's what I want more then anything but having her back in my life is great and I more then appreciate having her as a friend. I hear about all the bad things happening to her in the world around her and I wish I could do something to help her and create a bouble to pretect her but the world is cruel and I'm helpless. It's hard not to tell her I love her constantly when I do, I need to control myself or else I will push her away and I don't want that. She knows I love her so why do I always say it, I probably seem like a desperate fool. I love her and because I love her I will control my emotions that way I can possibly oneday earn back her love or at least have a life long friend. God help me make the right decisions and please let my heart find it's way. It has been a very thankful day indeed.

Tuesday, November 25, 2003, 2:48 am

Okay I'm really bad at keeping journals, I always have been. I just lose interest, I don't get enough time to, and shit I don't always have something to say. And what if theres no one out there who reads this bloody thing? Well I guess I should be writing this for myself anyways. Well I'm going to make an effort to write in this, but I promise nothing. The last journal I tried doing was with my ex, it was a mostly about how much I love her etc, look where that got me? What should my first journal be about? Well it won't be about my ex or our relationship because I've cried that one and talked that one to death for the time being, just let it be known I love Sarah more then you probably love air. Tomorrow Richard is leaving off to the Marines, he was here on a ten day leave, and now he's returning to his fish bowel. I'm going to miss him, he's the only good positive influence I have in my life and I'm afraid without him I will fall back to ruin...but I will not let myself. Richard leaves behind the love of his life, Adriana. They love each other but they must force to go without each other for a couple weeks, months, but thier love I believe will keep them together, why not? As long as they believe it's true love that alone can hold them together, and who's to say it's not true love. Sure there has been mistakes and fights but that's only made them stronger. Adriana is a good friend of mine and I will make sure no one tries to burst their bubble of love...but the cruel world will try, life doesn't want you to be happy forever sadly enough. Seeing them makes me think of the happiness I once had, gosh it takes all my will power to stop me from picking up the phone and calling Sarah all the time, I can't call her because she does not wish to hear from me and I don't want to make her uncomfortable. Turkey day is coming, will I spend it with my family or will I continue to fight with my brother and just not show up, we'll see. There is a lot to be thankful of, but a lot to be bitter about, I'm just going to be positive and be happy about my friends, family, cool car, and cool new leather jacket. I wish I was shallow, I can pretend to be shallow or talk shallow but I'm not, if I was shallow then I'd be more happy in life because having depth and actually caring ends up hurting big time. well life is pain kids.